Monday, July 28, 2008

I need to breathe

I'm scared.

For roughly 8 years, I was the student overstaying in college. I did have a slew of jobs on the side, but for the most part, school was what I knew. It defined who I was. It was the security blanket that I equally loved and hated. Now that I no longer have that designation, I feel like a baby being thrown into the deep, cold water. I'm dead scared. And I'm grasping for air.

My resume remains to be an unedited file on the computer hard drive. I've been trying to come up with brilliant ideas for a creative portfolio that will help me land a job. Not just any job, but the job that I've always imagined getting. Holding on to ideas swimming around in my head have been my greatest challenge as of date.

Sometimes, I wish I were back in Australia. All snuggled up in the couch, still in my pajamas, eating a bowl of yoghurt while watching the morning news. At least, over there, I was just a kid fresh out of college on vacation.

Here, I'm just an unemployed 25 year-old, spending her days trying to get a clue.

I used to imagine that I'd be in the office, all riled up to work and ready to spurt out all these kick-ass ideas, a week after graduation. That never happened.

Instead, I am drowning in a sea of self-doubt. I am scared of rejection. I am scared that my ideas will be shot down. I am scared that I won't fit in. I am scared that I can't compete with kids younger than me. I'm scared that my 8 years of being in school still isn't enough to help me get to where I want to be.

Deep in my heart I know I have what it takes. I've always felt that I was meant for something big. But until I get the courage to piece my thoughts together, I'm still a frail, frightened baby grasping for air, trying to feel my legs, crazily flailing my arms, hoping and struggling for the instict to kick in so I can break the waters' surface and finally be able to breathe.